The Lesbian Family Life Cycle by Suzanne Slater

Author:Suzanne Slater
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Free Press
Published: 1995-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

No couple can accomplish the work of this first family life cycle stage without directly addressing the task of developing trust between the partners. As each partner offers the increasing self-disclosure required throughout this stage, partners must offer each other empathic responses that encourage further risk and deepened intimacy. Particularly on the heels of conflict, the partners confront many situations in which one or both must apologize or otherwise initiate a reconciliation. Both partners’ past experiences with similar vulnerability will influence their capacity to forge a reconnection. For partners with histories of being frequently blamed or humiliated when they offered apologies, reuniting after a conflict will be especially challenging. Couples must learn early how to accept both defeat and victory in ways that protect the partners’ egos and build trust between them.

Specifically, each woman must demonstrate over time that she can refrain from using her partner’s particular vulnerabilities against her in moments of intense conflict. While partners cannot promise that their interpersonal dynamics will be free of any association to each other’s unresolved (and often childhood-based) traumatic memories, trust depends on each one demonstrating some capacity to avoid repeating these earlier injuries. Clearly, no couple fully masters this task, especially not early on in their relationship. Lack of knowledge of each other’s full history, as well as defensive strategies for preserving their own sense of self, leads partners to reinforce one another’s recurring fears, further inflaming the present conflict. The damage done by this lasts well beyond the particular disagreement and can hamper the couple’s development of trust in serious ways.

“How dare you call me abusive for yelling at you?” Celia shouted. “Telling is part of fighting, and I am sick and tired of you making such a terrible accusation. I’ve never been abusive to you, and I don’t ever want to hear you say that again!” Joan was ready with a quick and emphatic reply. “Look,” she said, “in our last three fights in a row you have called me every name in the book, screaming into my face and insisting that I don’t know what I’m talking about. That is abusive!”

Celia was silent a moment, then responded slowly. “Joan, I grew up in a family where none of that was ever considered abusive. I am used to yelling when I am mad, but maybe I can see how it could seem abusive from your perspective.”

“You see,” Joan exploded, “even you think you’re abusive!”

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